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Divorce and Children
Lynn C Peterson
Divorce
is a time of great stress for everyone involved. Children are especially vulnerable to that
stress, as their understanding of what is truly happening may be limited or completely untrue.
Children do think differently than adults. Take the time, both parents if at all possible,
to ensure that during this time of change and stress your child's or children's well-being is also
thought of and prepared for.
Before You Tell Your Children
How To Tell Your Children
Decrease the Traumatic Effects of Divorce
Growing Emotionally Healthy Kids in Spite of Divorce
Basic Rules for Divorcing Parents
Before You Tell Your Children
Set aside time to meet as a family, preferably with both parents. Don't tell them until you
are certain it is going to happen.
Have an idea of what you are going to say.
Above all - Stay calm.
Remember that your children's reactions to divorce will be related to how you inform them of
your decision.
Once is not enough. Questions will come up as they process what you've told them so plan to
meet again.
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How to Tell Your Children
What children are told depends on their age and maturity as will as their level ability to understand.
It is important that the parents tell the children what is going on. Children already know things are uncomfortable.
No matter how hard it is to refrain, NEVER blame either parent. Children will interpret that as a "good" and "bad" parent and will make them feel they have to choose sides. If at all possible children need a healthy relationship with both parents.
Children will feel that they are somehow responsible for the divorce. Reassure them (continually) that it is not their fault. It is between the parents. By the same token most children foster the hope of reconciliation. Remind them that just as they are not responsible for the divorce, they can't be responsible for fixing it.
Give children an idea of what to expect. Be realistic. Without going into detail be prepared to answer questions about friends, school, and living arrangements.
Feelings of loss and anger are normal. Reassure them that you understand and it's OK.
Using books*** to talk with children about divorce can open the door for discussion and help them work through the issues created by divorce. It gives them an avenue to recognize and discuss emotions which are frightening.
***Books such as "Scruffy" and "Scruffy: The Coloring Book" can be especially useful for smaller children.
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Decrease the Traumatic Effects of Divorce
Be honest and realistic about the potential for emotional pain and trauma in your children.
Allow your children to communicate openly. Try not to react negatively or dismissively.
Whenever possible offer your children choices. They feel pretty powerless at this time.
Find support for yourself and your children.
Do not expose your children to marital conflict.
Do not argue with your spouse in front of your children or on the phone.
Do not talk with or in front of your children about your spouse's negative behavior.
Even though it may be difficult, develop an "friendly" working relationship with your spouse for your children's sake.
Focus on encouragement and strengths of all the family members.
When talking with your children about the divorce be honest but avoid criticism of your spouse.
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Growing Emotionally Healthy Kids in Spite of Divorce
Tell your children why you are divorcing. Be available to listen.
Reassure your children early and often that your divorce is not their fault.
Don't criticize your spouse in front of the child. Don't argue or fight with your spouse while the child is listening. The amount of conflict children witness determines how well they'll adjustment. Work with your spouse towards agreement and consistent discipline and expectations.
Don't use the child as a spy. Never use the child as a messenger. Don't use the child as a weapon. Their time with each parent should be sacred. Don't make your children take sides
Minimize changes.
Find support for yourself and your children. Your children won't understand why you're acting they way you do and may begin acting out themselves.
Keep your promises. If you can't keep it, don't make it!
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Basic Rules for Divorcing Parents
Give your children time to adjust.
It is important that children know that they are not the reason for the divorce.
It is important that you recognize that they need their other parent as well.
Don't force children to take sides or to be put in the middle
It is good that the children follow a routine. Kids need a stable environment, especially now.
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