Counselor's Corner: Basics for Behavior

Here's something for you to consider. Every time you interact with your child or discipline your child it can be used as an opportunity to help them grow into the kind of person you want them to be.

Misbehavior is almost always related on one of four areas. Ask yourself: is it a bid for attention, an attempt to express control or power, revenge, or lack of self-confidence. If you can figure out which of these four major causes are at the root it will be easier to minimize unwanted behaviors while teaching your child to meet his needs more appropriately.

If a child doesn't get the attention he needs he can act up and become a regular pain-in-the-neck. Keep in mind this need for attention varies from child to child. Some will need vast amounts of attention while others seem to thrive with very little. Help them learn more appropriate ways to seek attention. A good way to recognize this kind of behavior is by your reaction to it. Generally when a child is seeking attention you will feel annoyed.

We all need a sense of power -- parents and children alike. All too often, though parents feel they must control their children -- which of course is just an illusion. In truth the only person you can control is yourself. If your child begins seems to be asserting his need for control and power by becoming oppositional and argumentative you may want to step back and see if you can empower them while ultimately having the last word. For instance, whenever possible, give them a choice. Limit it to two or three things at most, and make sure you're OK with both options. You might say, "Do you want to brush your teeth before your bath or after your bath." It's a win-win for you and your child doesn't feel like he has to push so hard for power. Just a note, you'll know they're looking for power when you feel threatened.

If a child doesn't feel loved and accepted they may seek a kind of reverse belonging by becoming the "baddest of the bad." They establish themselves as one to be feared, disliked and even hated. If they can't feel loved then they'll seek revenge on any and all around them. With time and patience you can change this behavior by providing appropriate ways for them to be successful and acceptable. You'll recognize their need for revenge by the anger it generates when interacting with them.

If your child lacks self-confidence they will constantly expect failure. The only way to get around this is to support them in their attempts to be successful. You'll know this is what's going on by the frustration you feel when dealing with their "neediness".

All too often we react to our child's behavior rather than determining the cause of it. This generally results in an unproductive power struggle and two very frustrated people. Instead, find out what's behind the behavior. What need does your child feel? How can you teach them appropriate ways to behavior in order to meet these needs? How can you use each situation to provide a life-lesson.

Lynn C Peterson has worked as a school counselor, a family counselor, and headed up a family support program. As a school counselor, Lynn has dealt with many difficult situations with children of all ages and their families. She is the author of "Scruffy", a picture book for young children who are coping with a divorce in their family, and "The Hero's Guide to Toxic Emotions" (forthcoming).