Counselor's Corner: Attention Seeking Behavior

Have you noticed that some kids just don't seem happy if they aren't the center of attention. Life would be pretty boring if everyone was content fading into the background. The problem occurs when this behavior becomes disruptive.

Attention-seeking kids tend to be loud and they love to make an entrance. As a result they are frequently late but noisy upon their arrival - or should I say constantly. These are the kids you worry about when they're actually quiet. It's more than just noise however they just love to draw as much attention to themselves any way they can. You'll notice these kids because, whether at home or school, they will are constantly asking unnecessary questions. When they're at school they're constantly out of their seats for water, pencil sharpening, or just plain wandering.

Kids who demand attention frequently respond poorly to authority so that every situation turns into a confrontation. Many of these children are nonconformist — marching to their own drummers — or are parts of fringe groups dressing and acting for the greatest shock value. If their clothing and actions don't grab your attention they may add language to the mix. They may say the wrong thing at the wrong time, especially if it will embarrass someone else. Of course, they may be very sorry after they've blurted out "whatever-it-is," but that won't stop them from doing it again and again. At worst their language may be lewd, crude or just plain socially unacceptable. Either way — some way — they'll certainly grab you attention!

Children with a great need for attention will often have difficulty with their peers. Kids who need to be noticed don't tend to "play well with others" and will often pick on other children or try to force themselves into groups where they're not really wanted.

Okay. So your little darling can be somewhat obnoxious and loves the limelight. What can you do to help him? I'm glad you asked. As in all misbehaviors it is good to look for the cause. And remember, try not to take his behavior or comments personally. It really isn't about you at all. It's just that your child needs to make their existence known and if they can't find appropriate ways to do it they'll do it in all the worst ways, even if it means they'll be punished!

One of the most common reasons kids act up is to cover up their feelings of inadequacy in social or academic situations. Sometimes it's less painful to be in trouble for misbehaving then to be seen as dumb or inept. At least if he's in trouble for goofing off he's the one in control — or so he thinks. If this is your child consider getting additional help from school or outside tutoring. Find ways to help him achieve and not feel a failure.

Your child may feel that he needs to prove himself by acting up and attention-getting behavior? What he's really trying to tell you, though, is that he exists, that he is someone. While this behavior may be incredibly annoying try to look at it as a cry for help. You child may be merely begging for someone to reaffirm that he has value. Try to find things he can do which will bolster his sense of worth. Spend time with him. Try to support him in activities where he can learn to be "outstanding" — but appropriately. Let him know that you're proud of him — for who he is, not just what he does.

There is actually much that you can do to support this "shouting out loud" child. As in all things it begins with your own behavior. Model appropriate behavior, the behavior you want your child to learn and copy. Hard as it may be, stay calm, cool, and collected. Don't let him get you upset. Speak quietly — but remain firm. Try to look for what your child needs, and make it happen for them in "better" ways, but remember, you need to be their parent, not their friend.

Help your child to excel at things. Set them for winning — that isn't the same as "letting them win," by the way. Support them in visible or leadership situations. Give them many chances to be responsible, and then applaud their efforts — even if they aren't perfect. Quietly, but continually, find ways strengthen their confidence in constructive ways.

Remember, the drive for attention is strong, so help them to get it in positive ways so that they don't resort to less than desirable means. When appropriately channeled these kids have tremendous potential to become the leaders.

Lynn C Peterson has worked as a school counselor, a family counselor, and headed up a family support program. As a school counselor, Lynn has dealt with many difficult situations with children of all ages and their families. She is the author of "Scruffy", a picture book for young children who are coping with a divorce in their family, and "The Hero's Guide to Toxic Emotions" (forthcoming).